cornerstone vs. capstone

I was glad when a friend sent me a link to this online article: The Case for Getting Married Young. It discusses the trend of young adults viewing marriage as a "capstone" to their adult lives, and raises the question of whether marriage should be viewed as a "cornerstone" instead.

While no one should ever rush into marriage, and while at any age the most important thing is who you marry, it is nice to read something that supports my choice to get married at twenty.

Two and half years after the wedding, people still look at me like I have two heads when I tell them I'm married. Heads whip around. The questions start firing, and suddenly I need to justify why I'm married. Isaac and I used to be a little embarrassed. We both confessed to avoiding the words "my husband" or "my wife" to dodge the predictable reaction. Now, I've become less self-conscious. When they look at me with shock (and is it sometimes disgust?) I just smile and say, "Yup, I'm married. And I'm not even a newlywed. This summer it will be three years."

Instead of second-guessing our decision, I've become even more convinced we did the right thing. We love being married. I have had more adventures than I would have had if I were single. Would I have been able to   move to Halifax by myself for a year? Would I have driven to the Grand Canyon? Would I be planning to go to Uganda this August? Would I have picked up and worked in Alberta for a summer?

In my experiences of brief travel (a few months) as a single girl, I realized that I was cut out to have a partner. Going places without being to share it with someone else felt a little hollow. I think God knew what I needed, and brought Isaac and I together at a young age.

When we were engaged we even got flack from people in the church. People asked us how we would support ourselves. People encouraged us to not "miss out" on the fun we could only have being single.

For the record, I think marriage has benefited both of us financially. When one of us is busier with work, the other picks up the slack for cooking and cleaning at the apartment. We share a car. We gain from each others' areas of strength. And being independent at a young age has stretched our characters by leaps and bounds. We enjoy being frugal -- garage sales and wild berry picking have become sources of quality time together.

As for having fun, Isaac is my best friend. I get to live with him and share everything with him. If I got married at an older age, set in my ways, maybe I wouldn't have been able to grow as much as I have. I have gone on an overnight canoe trip -- even a winter camping trip! (never again) --  something I would have never done without him. I have loved every adventure we have shared together and know that there are plenty more down the road!

As a family friend told me when we were engaged, getting married young means you build history.

"My husband understands me and the way I react to things, because he knows my past experiences. He was there when they happened!"

I'm not trying to knock anyone who is single, because God can use you in amazing ways when you are. All I'm saying is please don't criticize those who marry young, who chose to build their adult lives on the cornerstone of marriage.

7 money rules for life

A summary of Mary Hunt's 7 Money Rules for Life. I picked this book up at the library, and it's one that I would like to have on my bookshelf one day. I was looking for some financial advice, and was happily surprised that Mary Hunt is also a devoted Christian and shares many of our values. As someone who found herself in $100,000 of toxic consumer debt and painfully fought her way out, Hunt's approach is not judgmental and it is realistic. I recommend you reading it, but if you don't have time here's a brief summary and some quotable quotes:

Why does money matter?

• Money is important, with emotional, spiritual and personal impacts.
• Money impacts our lives -- where we live, how we live, where kids go to school, how we pay our bills, how we prepare for the future.
• We are living in a financially uncertain time. 
• You might need a handle a significant amount of money in the future -- an inheritance, promotion, or investment. (I'll be happy if this one happens!) 

The money rules are just that: rules. They are principles to guide you, no matter how much or how little you make. 

The Rules: 

1. Spend less than you earn. You've probably heard this principle before. In order to fulfill this, examine your attitude. Examine how much our culture of entitlement has influenced you. When I read this, I was convicted of my own sense of entitlement. I believe that I deserve vacations, meals out, and things that I like even if I can't afford it. Spending less than you earn sounds impossible to those living paycheque to paycheque, but it's key to the other six rules. To be able to live below your means, you need to honestly examine needs versus wants. 
1. "Contrary to how it might sound to you at first, Rule 1 isn't about restriction. It's about freedom -- freedom from want, freedom from fear of running out of money, freedom from reliance on credit, freedom from being under the economic thumb of others." (40) 
2. 11 ways to widen the gap between your earning and your spending: borrow and share, avoid the mall, limit exposure to ads, live with cash, designate one day of the week as a "spend-free day", save the difference, eat in, pare down/sell used items, unfriend the Joneses, and take opportunities to increase your income. 
2. Save for the future. Start putting away ten percent of what you earn into a separate savings account. This is not your retirement savings. This is not your savings for new furniture or a vacation. This is your emergency fund. Hunt recommends saving 6 months of living expenses. This is important because it frees you from fear. If anything happens (job loss, medical problem) you have a cushion that will allow you to stay level-headed and make the best choices (ex: not just taking the first job you can get because you need to get back to work). Emergencies and life changes will come up; when they do, will you rely on your own savings or on credit? 
3. Give some away.  Find something you believe in and trust and give money to it. Instead of choosing a set amount, a percentage is a better idea because it will adjust with your income. While the percentage you choose is a personal decision, Hunt recommends a 10-10-80 rule: save 10%, give 10% and spend 80%. 
1. "Giving is the way to break the grip of greed so that contentment can thrive. Giving brings balance to your life . . . Giving is the way that you express how grateful you are for all that you have." (85) 
4. Anticipate your irregular expenses. When most people sit down and calculate their monthly expenses compared to their income, they realize that on paper they are spending less than they earn. So where does the rest of the money go? Irregular expenses. Hunt suggests sitting down and making a list of the irregular expenses you had last year and their approximate cost -- a vacation, an appliance, a car repair, Christmas spending, etc. Total that number. Now divide it by 12. That's your new fixed monthly expense to deposit into an irregular expenses account. 
5. Tell your money where to go. This chapter is all about budgets and tracking your spending. I'm going to confess that I kind of skim over this because as students we don't have regular monthly income and we basically try to cheap out on everything. It has been helpful for us to track our expenses every so often just to see if everything is out of whack. A great tool to help budget is an online program called Mvelopes -- we know couples who claim that Mvelopes changed their lives. 
6. Manage your credit. Instead of advising you to cut up all your credit cards, Hunt admits this is not realistic. Credit is a part of our world, probably a part of your financial situation, and your credit rating "plays a very important role in your financial health." 
1. You are entitled to one free credit report every 12 months (not sure if this is different for us Canadians). Make use of that to track your credit report. These reports are often full of errors, so track any inaccuracies and get them changed. 
2. How to improve your credit rating: pay your bills on time, all the time. At a minimum, use one credit card several times a year and immediately pay it back down to a $0 balance. Lower your utilization rate (the amount of money you use compared to how much is available to you). Refrain from closing accounts or opening new accounts. (??) 
7. Borrow only what you know you can repay. Again, Hunt admits that borrowing money -- mortgages, student loans, financing a car -- is an important part of life. It is not the enemy. "Here's the bottom line: debt is not a good thing, and it is to be avoided whenever possible. When it cannot be avoided, debt should be entered into advisedly, with tremendous caution and a strong system of safety nets in place." 
1. Debt falls into three categories: 
1. Reasonable, or good debt: borrowing money to buy something that has a high likelihood of increasing in value. This can be a mortgage, a small amount of student debt, etc. 
2. Toxic debt: includes credit card debt, payday loans, and other high- or variable-rate borrowing. This kind of debt should be avoided entirely. 
3. Neutral debt. 
2. Remember that the lender will often want you to borrow more and pay it back slowly. Don't let the lender determine how much you will borrow and how you will pay it off. 
3. Home mortgages/home equity .... skipped over this ... :) 
4. Student debt: Hunt puts this in the "neutral" category. It can be reasonable or it can be toxic. STUDENT DEBT IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY GOOD DEBT. Especially with the economy and job opportunities available today. Thousands of people are drowning in student debt and are moving back in with Mom and Dad after graduation. 
1. Your total student debt should not exceed the average first year entry level salary in the industry for which you are preparing. This way, your goal can be to pay back your student debt within the first three years after graduation. (If you're not preparing for an industry and just want to learn -- fund it yourself, don't go into debt.) 
5. Some Scripture about debt: "The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously." Debt as bondage: "The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender." 

Break down each rule and figure out a step that you can start doing today. Write down your goals, and be specific. 

For those with irregular income, she has a whole chapter devoted to you :) I appreciated this because I often feel like financial advice is targeted at people with a regular paycheque. 

If you are drowning in debt, she has a whole chapter for you, too :) 

Quotable quotes: 

"I am so grateful for how God has taken the broken pieces of my life and woven them into a tapestry of beauty that reflects his grace and mercy." (32) 

"Advertisers rely on marketing theory that says people are driven by four things: fear, guilt, greed, and the need for approval. Ads are designed to throw us off balance emotionally to create discontent." (52)

"If you've ever felt as though some kind of invisible force is conspiring against you to make sure you never get ahead, you may be more right than you think. You have two enemies with a single purpose: to destroy your contentment and make it difficult, if not impossible, to spend less than you earn. Their names are Fear and Greed." (63)

"Today, there are three kinds of people: the have's, the have-not's, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have's." -- Earl Wilson (165) 

marriage ... scraps of advice

This past weekend my husband and I had a romantic getaway. We took advantage of a winter deal and stayed at a hotel for two nights. It was only 45 minutes away, but it felt like a real vacation. We were able to stop and rest and spend time together and talk. We stocked up on chocolate, strawberries, grapes and cheese from the grocery store. We soaked in the hot tub and watched the wind whip up drifts of snow. We played in the pool (yes, that's what we do). Isaac insisted that we take a walk down by the water, despite the snowstorm. We enjoyed it for about ten minutes and then retreated back to the hotel lobby where hot apple cider waited.

It was a wonderful weekend -- especially since we might be teetering on the precipice of a big life change (no, not a baby!). In the midst of Isaac's midterms and my student teaching (never mind the part-time jobs on the side) it was refreshing to reconnect.

When I got home someone had posted a link to this article on my Facebook newsfeed. The author is thinking about what he's learned in marriage, and specifically what he "wished he'd known" before jumping in.

Of course, this got me thinking about what I wish I'd known. I've only been married for 2.5 years, so I haven't gathered much wisdom. At the same time, though, it's amazing to think about how much we've grown in 2.5 years. So here are the little scraps I have to offer:

• Try to out-serve each other. This piece of advice was given to me when I was engaged. At a bridal shower, every guest was given a card to write down a recipe and marriage advice. This little line has always stuck with me, and it applies in so many ways. This means not keeping score of how many times you've done the dishes or filled up the gas tank. This idea runs against a lot of advice you'll hear in the world or in magazines, but it perfectly connects with the Kingdom of God. If you apply this principle to every area -- from taking out the garbage to your sex life -- you will see amazing benefits. 
• It might suck in the beginning. Some of our married friends claim that the first year was the easiest for them because they were floating along in honeymoon bliss. Not so for us. Our bubble popped pretty quickly. When we talk to other couples or engaged friends, we both openly admit that our first few months of marriage sucked. Everything was topsy-turvy, the dust hadn't settled yet. We were both only twenty and (besides residences) hadn't lived on our own before. Whether your adjustments hit right at the beginning, or after your first anniversary, they will come. There will come a point where you'll think, Crap. I'm in this for life. What was I thinking? 
• Even if marriage sucks at first, it will get better. If you're both working at it and listening to godly advice it will get better - promise! This was another piece of advice given to me when we were still in the throes of suckiness. I can honestly say that things have continued to get better -- I love being married to Isaac and wouldn't trade that for anything! 
• Find godly advice. I'm the type of person who needs to talk everything out. In the first few months of marriage I felt incredibly isolated and felt that I had no one to talk to. I was the first in my circle of friends to get married, so I didn't think they could relate. I didn't want to confide in girlfriends or family about our troubles because I didn't want to betray Isaac's confidence or paint a negative picture of him. If you need to talk about your marriage (specifically the difficult aspects) find someone who loves both of you. Do not talk to someone who will jump at the chance to bash your spouse. Find someone who is rooting for your marriage, has faith in you as a couple and shares the same values as you do. Thankfully, my sister-in-law fit that description and had a few years of marriage under her belt. Once I broke past my own pride, I found so much encouragement in her.  I also found some helpful books about marriage. One night I was upset and wandering around in the university library when I came across the book From Blushing Bride to Wedded Wife by Maria Taviano. I started flipping through it, and was amazed to read someone having the same feelings that I was struggling with. Even though I never read the entire thing cover to cover, from the chapters I read I would highly recommend it. Her goal is to provide Christian brides with an honest look at marriage, sex, etc. She gives sound Biblical advice with some humour and a straight-up writing style. 
• Fight fair. You will have disagreements, but don't cross those boundaries of respect. Don't scream or swear or call names or throw out heavy threats. Once you cross those lines, it's hard not to do it again. We made the mistake of not fighting fair early on, and it took awhile to make certain things "off limits" again. In the beginning, every argument we had seemed to explode into a long, drawn-out fight. Now we've learned to de-escalate -- through humour or other strategies (okay, "strategies" sounds like we sat down and made a plan -- it just kind of happened naturally). Another part of this is that you have to understand how your spouse fights. Like I said before, I like to get things off my chest. My husband is the opposite -- he needs time to himself to cool down and think things through. When we were first married I interpreted him wanting to drop an issue as him not caring. Our worst fights were often the result of me badgering him and not giving him the space he needed (or the cool-down time I needed)! 
• Choose to love and respect your in-laws. I have to admit, we got off pretty easy on this one. We both come from solid, loving families and our parents would agree on major values. But the whole "leave and cleave" process will always bring a little tension or draw out some of your ugliest insecurities. No matter how similar your families are, there will be different "default" settings that you both have based on the way you were raised. Don't criticize your in-laws needlessly. It will just add stress to your relationship. 
• Take time to understand your spouse's love language. My sister-in-law passed on a great tip to me: "Imagine that you each have a love tank. What fills your love tank more than anything else?" As simple as that sounds, the image really stuck with me! What communicates love to your spouse? Gifts? Physical touch? Quality time? Acts of service? Verbal affirmation (surprise, surprise, a big one for me!)? Get it through your head that your love language might be different from theirs! 
• Put in what you want to get out. We've all heard people complain about their husbands or wives. Instead of whining to other people about the problem, why don't you put some work in? If you want more romance in your marriage, why don't you start planning little surprises? If you want more verbal affirmation, start leaving love notes. Obviously, you do need to explicitly communicate with your husband (or wife) about what you want. (I'm really bad for this -- I want Isaac to 'just know'!) But if you start putting in what you want to get out you might just see the changes you were looking for. 
• Build a friendship by trying new things and being willing to grow together. I've never understood couples who aren't friends.  I hear teachers at school talk about going on a vacation while their hubby stays at home to watch the dog. Or relishing the fact that their husband fell asleep on the couch the night before so they could sneak up to their room and have the bed all to themselves. ???? My parents set a great example for me in this way; they truly are best friends. Isaac and I were friends before we dated, and now we are drawn to other couples who have a solid friendship at the base of their marriage. Maybe getting married young has something to do with it, but Isaac and I have really grown together. I've tried things that I never thought I would (winter camping!) and we've discovered interests together. If we hadn't been open and flexible, we would have missed out on many hours spent together. 

As I read over some of this "advice" ... I do need to say that all of this goes for us, too! We're only 2.5 years in, and we've got a lot to learn and even more to put into practice! But, if you're like I was in my first year of marriage, you might appreciate hearing from someone who's a bit further down the road but not out of your sight.