It was a wonderful weekend -- especially since we might be teetering on the precipice of a big life change (no, not a baby!). In the midst of Isaac's midterms and my student teaching (never mind the part-time jobs on the side) it was refreshing to reconnect.
When I got home someone had posted a link to this article on my Facebook newsfeed. The author is thinking about what he's learned in marriage, and specifically what he "wished he'd known" before jumping in.
Of course, this got me thinking about what I wish I'd known. I've only been married for 2.5 years, so I haven't gathered much wisdom. At the same time, though, it's amazing to think about how much we've grown in 2.5 years. So here are the little scraps I have to offer:
- Try to out-serve each other. This piece of advice was given to me when I was engaged. At a bridal shower, every guest was given a card to write down a recipe and marriage advice. This little line has always stuck with me, and it applies in so many ways. This means not keeping score of how many times you've done the dishes or filled up the gas tank. This idea runs against a lot of advice you'll hear in the world or in magazines, but it perfectly connects with the Kingdom of God. If you apply this principle to every area -- from taking out the garbage to your sex life -- you will see amazing benefits.
- It might suck in the beginning. Some of our married friends claim that the first year was the easiest for them because they were floating along in honeymoon bliss. Not so for us. Our bubble popped pretty quickly. When we talk to other couples or engaged friends, we both openly admit that our first few months of marriage sucked. Everything was topsy-turvy, the dust hadn't settled yet. We were both only twenty and (besides residences) hadn't lived on our own before. Whether your adjustments hit right at the beginning, or after your first anniversary, they will come. There will come a point where you'll think, Crap. I'm in this for life. What was I thinking?
- Even if marriage sucks at first, it will get better. If you're both working at it and listening to godly advice it will get better - promise! This was another piece of advice given to me when we were still in the throes of suckiness. I can honestly say that things have continued to get better -- I love being married to Isaac and wouldn't trade that for anything!
- Find godly advice. I'm the type of person who needs to talk everything out. In the first few months of marriage I felt incredibly isolated and felt that I had no one to talk to. I was the first in my circle of friends to get married, so I didn't think they could relate. I didn't want to confide in girlfriends or family about our troubles because I didn't want to betray Isaac's confidence or paint a negative picture of him. If you need to talk about your marriage (specifically the difficult aspects) find someone who loves both of you. Do not talk to someone who will jump at the chance to bash your spouse. Find someone who is rooting for your marriage, has faith in you as a couple and shares the same values as you do. Thankfully, my sister-in-law fit that description and had a few years of marriage under her belt. Once I broke past my own pride, I found so much encouragement in her. I also found some helpful books about marriage. One night I was upset and wandering around in the university library when I came across the book From Blushing Bride to Wedded Wife by Maria Taviano. I started flipping through it, and was amazed to read someone having the same feelings that I was struggling with. Even though I never read the entire thing cover to cover, from the chapters I read I would highly recommend it. Her goal is to provide Christian brides with an honest look at marriage, sex, etc. She gives sound Biblical advice with some humour and a straight-up writing style.
- Fight fair. You will have disagreements, but don't cross those boundaries of respect. Don't scream or swear or call names or throw out heavy threats. Once you cross those lines, it's hard not to do it again. We made the mistake of not fighting fair early on, and it took awhile to make certain things "off limits" again. In the beginning, every argument we had seemed to explode into a long, drawn-out fight. Now we've learned to de-escalate -- through humour or other strategies (okay, "strategies" sounds like we sat down and made a plan -- it just kind of happened naturally). Another part of this is that you have to understand how your spouse fights. Like I said before, I like to get things off my chest. My husband is the opposite -- he needs time to himself to cool down and think things through. When we were first married I interpreted him wanting to drop an issue as him not caring. Our worst fights were often the result of me badgering him and not giving him the space he needed (or the cool-down time I needed)!
- Choose to love and respect your in-laws. I have to admit, we got off pretty easy on this one. We both come from solid, loving families and our parents would agree on major values. But the whole "leave and cleave" process will always bring a little tension or draw out some of your ugliest insecurities. No matter how similar your families are, there will be different "default" settings that you both have based on the way you were raised. Don't criticize your in-laws needlessly. It will just add stress to your relationship.
- Take time to understand your spouse's love language. My sister-in-law passed on a great tip to me: "Imagine that you each have a love tank. What fills your love tank more than anything else?" As simple as that sounds, the image really stuck with me! What communicates love to your spouse? Gifts? Physical touch? Quality time? Acts of service? Verbal affirmation (surprise, surprise, a big one for me!)? Get it through your head that your love language might be different from theirs!
- Put in what you want to get out. We've all heard people complain about their husbands or wives. Instead of whining to other people about the problem, why don't you put some work in? If you want more romance in your marriage, why don't you start planning little surprises? If you want more verbal affirmation, start leaving love notes. Obviously, you do need to explicitly communicate with your husband (or wife) about what you want. (I'm really bad for this -- I want Isaac to 'just know'!) But if you start putting in what you want to get out you might just see the changes you were looking for.
- Build a friendship by trying new things and being willing to grow together. I've never understood couples who aren't friends. I hear teachers at school talk about going on a vacation while their hubby stays at home to watch the dog. Or relishing the fact that their husband fell asleep on the couch the night before so they could sneak up to their room and have the bed all to themselves. ???? My parents set a great example for me in this way; they truly are best friends. Isaac and I were friends before we dated, and now we are drawn to other couples who have a solid friendship at the base of their marriage. Maybe getting married young has something to do with it, but Isaac and I have really grown together. I've tried things that I never thought I would (winter camping!) and we've discovered interests together. If we hadn't been open and flexible, we would have missed out on many hours spent together.
As I read over some of this "advice" ... I do need to say that all of this goes for us, too! We're only 2.5 years in, and we've got a lot to learn and even more to put into practice! But, if you're like I was in my first year of marriage, you might appreciate hearing from someone who's a bit further down the road but not out of your sight.
So precious.
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